There Can Be Only One

Just because Scotland didn't qualify for the Euro finals doesn't mean I can't use obvious and overdone Highlander references in my blog! (oh, and take a wild guess who just got Photoshop this week...)

Since Lisa is making this pool boring on the top end, let's focus on the battle for getting your money back. It's Dr. Norway rooting for Germany and Quarterpoint for Spain. One of these two is likely to cry at some point during the game and may even poop their pants if we go into extra time... I just don't know which one.

To be sure, this has been an excellent tournament. I hope that you've enjoyed yourselves. For the record, the Poolmaster will be watching the finals on tape delay... in his deutschland fussball jersey!

Drei Biere Bitte!

Ok, one of these 3 is an actual German who has reason to celebrate advancing to the semifinals with a beer. The other 2 goofy ones can just drink and watch the rest of the tournament now that France and Italy are on the sidelines. (I'm talking to you, Luca and Franck!)

By the way, regarding those four quarterfinal matches: holy crap! I wonder if UEFA is aware that I have been taping these games and watching them at night. Do they realize that all these extra time games are biting into my sleep??? They have no shame.

In case you missed it, the 4 games were about as exciting as they get (at least in the last few minutes).

1. Germany over Portugal: Germans play well despite their creepy coach being banished to the executive luxury box. (by the way doesn't he look like he either belongs in a Zen philosophy book club with Phil Jackson or on To Catch A Predator? maybe both!) German defense had to survive a last-minute assault on goal from the Portuguese, but manage.

2. Turkey over Croatia: Actually, a pretty boring match until the 119th minute. Then it got interesting. The Turkish goalie screws up to allow a last-minute goal. But then Turkey strikes back in the last-last minute to send it to penalty kicks. Then the back-up goalie from Turkey does well, and allows headline writing hacks the world over to print up "Turkish Delight" for their morning commute free papers.

3. Russia over Netherlands: Gus Hiddink earns himself some Russian citizenship for a great game plan that kept the orange on their back foot. Arshavin again looked awesome for the Russians as they fully earned this extra-time victory.

4. Spain over Italy: Next time these 2 play, please just wake me when it's time for the penalty kicks. Italy knew they were outgunned in this one, so they did what Italy does best: play great (but boring) defense and fall down ... a lot. Spain dominated possession but had nothing to show for it. But they cruised through the PK and earned the win as well.

So Turkey will play without about half of their team against Germany and Russia gets themselves a rematch with Spain after the first matchday beatdown they were handed. Should be interesting.

By the way, Lisa McThanksforthecash has already guaranteed first place while the fight for last is between Dr. Norway (Germany, Turkey, or Russia) and Quarterpoint (Spain). And the poolmaster will go back to the drawing board to find a set of rules clearly biased against Lisa.

Enjoy the games everyone!

Convenient? No. True? Probably.

Of the 14 of us who entered the Challenge, only 3 remain who have a mathematical chance of winning:

Ukari Figgs: Croatia (or 11% chance according to Tradesports)
Mimi: Netherlands (23%)
Lisa McBannedforlife: the other 6 countries (66%)

I'm pretty sure that Dr. Norway has a stranglehold on getting his money back, except maybe if Spain wins...

For tomorrow, Germany is up against Portugal. Some Portugal dude (not the good one) has guaranteed that he will score. Oh the fun this will be...

Separated At Birth?

Yuri Zhirkov

Dr. Norway

What is the difference between the 2? The Russian left back still has a chance to win the Euro 2008.

By the way, there are 11 of us in the same boat as Dr. Norway, but none of us look like players who made the 2nd round of the tournament. However, some of us might look a bit like the losers of the first round:

or

So How Is The Strudel, Boris?

You know you're watching a European event when your coach gets kicked out of the game (presumably for wearing a $400 white shirt without cuff links), but he's allowed to go sit up in the VIP section and talk strategy with his country's leader as well as exchange hi fives with Boris Becker.

Honestly, can you picture Bill Belichick getting booted in the Superbowl only to chat up George W. along the 50 yard line while downing beers with Jimmy Connors? Well, maybe.

By the way, Boris: a shower and a shave after a night full of Jaegermeisters is never a bad idea if you're in the VIP section. You know, think of the children...

And if you missed the Turkey-Czech match like me, I am terribly sorry for us. Apparently it made Tiger and Rocco seem a bit pedestrian.

Scenario Analysis Time

With the second match day finished, its time to take a quick look at all the possibilities for advancement into the second round, and who will benefit. So clearly, I cannot choose the Scandinavian country in front of you.

(By the way, that Spain-Sweden match had to be the most competitive and well-played match we have seen yet. Too bad one of them gets to play the Dutch destroyer of worlds in the second round...)

Group A: an easy group to talk about. Portugal is in, Switzerland is out. Czech and Turkey play to see who takes 2nd spot. They will play until a shootout if necessary to determine a winner. Turkey has 2 supporters - Brokeback Alex and the already-dominant Lisa McWingandaprayer. Man, if Turkey wins, I think the rest of us are screwed. Lisa and yet another pool victory... Czech have one main benefactor, Quarterpoint. If they win, maybe he or she will celebrate by exiting the womb!

Group B: Germany's to lose. Croatia is in and Germany need to draw or win against the home minnows of Austria. Poland need about 5 things to happen to advance, but still could. Flippy Flyer will be pulling for Germany more than anyone else. Austria will have support from Lisa (again) (did I mention she would like Czech too???) Poland is obviously the territory of Brokeback.

Group C: all up in the air. Romania and their refusal to lose (or win for that matter) has put the reigning world champions and runners-up in limbo for the next round. The best team of the tournament so far (Netherlands) are through to the benefit of Mimi. France and Italy play each other for the right to hope that Romania doesn't beat the Dutch. France = Doctor Norway, Italy = Flippy Flyer and a bunch of others, Romania = Lisa (yes, again). If Italy and France draw and Romania loses, it is a 3 way tie and Romania advances as long as they keep it within 2 goals. Personally, I like France`s chances to advance, but you know, never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

Group D: Sweden`s loss in the 92nd minute has made the Sweden-Russia clash a biggie for the last game of the first round. Sweden advance win a win or draw to help Poolmaster, Brokeback, and L-I-S-A. A Russian win just helps Lisa, Sissy Sara, and Joan Benoit. So, um that means that Lisa is rooting for the game to ... um ... just happen I guess.

If you are unfortunate enough to only get Greece-Spain on ESPN instead, as it sucks away your will to live, I suggest making a drinking game out of it. Every time either one makes a back-pass into their defensive half of the field, take a sip. If they pass to their own goalie for no good reason, chug!

Enjoy match day 3 everyone! (Lisa probably more than the rest of us)

Angela Merkel Will Now Outlaw Picnic Blankets

Um, yeah. Germany? Just being the favorite doesn't mean they give you extra goals or anything... Perhaps all the attention has gone to their heads a bit. It appears that their back 4 really are like the Berlin Wall... in that it can be humiliated and dismantled into tiny bits and sold for $10 a pop at The Gap. Croatia played inspired soccer yesterday (now with 50% less cheating!) And now Germany will need to win or force a draw with Austria without Schweinsteiger to ensure second round status. I am sure that Flippy Flyer and his 50 chips on Germany are none too pleased today.

As for Brokeback Alex, there are no words. Having the Polish side snatch tie from the jaws of victory with a 92nd minute foul in the penalty box is quite a sucker punch to take...

But on the happy side, it is steady as she goes for Ukari Figgs. A orange win today would put her in great position.

Match Day 1 Review

So many moments from the first round to choose from, but I think that the highlight for me was one of these 2: Italy losing to a team wearing bright orange shirts, white shorts, and powder blue knee-high socks (where’s the Magnum P.I. moustache?) or Italy surrendering their first goal of the tournament because the goalie knocked over his own player and he pretended to be hurt on the sidelines.

Day 1 saw host Switzerland play very well yet lose the game and their best player to injury. Day 2 saw host Austria play well, yet lose to Croatia on a terrible call for a penalty kick – ensuring that all favorites won the first 4 games, whether they deserved it or not. But Portugal did indeed deserve the win – and I’m not just saying that to keep this guy happy... Not the best of starts to the tournament. Then Day 3 was a glorious day as Romania played inspired to deny the stonewall French any passage of their own en route to a 0-0 draw. Then the Orange outshone the Azzurri and we had ourselves some action! Day 4 saw a lively game out of Russia before Spain outclassed them in a 4-1 goal fiesta. Greece inexplicably tried to play keep-away on their own half even when down a goal, and the Swedes would have none of that.

Awards:

Best goal: Lukas Poldoski’s second against Poland. After his German teammate whiffs, Lukas calmly demonstrates how to properly volley a shot home. Would you like to see the highlight set to the sounds of European techno dance music? Of course you would.

Best flop. Ivica Olic of Croatia with his Oscar performance in winning the deciding penalty kick. Sorry no youtube link, but that’s probably a good thing.

Most random moment: in the introduction of the lineups, we are told that Sergio Garcia is on the bench for Spain. So does that mean he gets 70 warmups before kicking a penalty kick?

As for the standings, thanks to Romania’s fine performance, they have propelled Lisa McWingandaprayer into a very tentative first since her 3 chips on Romania constitute half of the point haul for the Transylvanian Orchestra. But if we put aside that pipedream, Ukari Figgs looks like she's in a good position with a positive importance factor for Croatiacheaters, the Dutch, and Sweden.

By the way, Austria, no need to get desperate yet...

Euro 2008 Team Preview

A prelude to a championship.

Group A

Portugal (15-2 odds of winning tournament). Cristiano Ronaldo (no, not the one caught with 3 transvestite hookers, the other Ronaldo) and 10 other guys. Their tactics will be: if your name is not Cristiano, you should be looking to pass the ball to someone who is. Not exactly the most balanced team, but the way he is playing, maybe that lineup can win it all. Although that Deco guy is ok too. Ego may be an issue. Q: What’s the difference between God and Cristiano Ronaldo? A: God doesn’t think that he’s Cristiano Ronaldo.

Czech Republic (24-1) Injuries aren’t helping these guys, but they still boast arguably the best goaltender in the world (at least the best one who wears a pansy helmet). They also still have Sloth-from Goonies-like Jan Koller to cause trouble to opposing teams. After all, these guys did beat down on the U.S. in the World Cup, which puts them in the same league as powerhouse Ghana...

Switzerland (32-1) The most promising thing for these guys is that they are playing at home, which means that evolutionary forces have led to them producing more natural testosterone than their opponents... so good luck with that! To put this team in perspective, their previous team captain was approached by a English Premier League team to come play for them, but the transfer talks broke down because his transfer fee ended up appearing too high. The transfer fee in question you ask? $0.00

Turkey (70-1) I’ve got nothing for you here. I don’t even know why Constantinople got the works...

Group B

Germany (4-1) The German Mannschaft are the favorites of the tournament not necessarily because they are the most dominant team, but because the rest of this group resemble some of my Pepsi soccer teams in capabilities. (Oh, Billy Evans why did you push that penalty kick wide right against the orange team? Why? Whyyyyyyy?) In any case, the Germans will be disciplined and aggressive, and also seem to be free of the injury bug so far. As close to a lock for the 2^nd round as you will get. After that, anything goes.

Croatia (15-1) Hey Croatia, The Netherlands called. They want their flag back – but can you wipe off that creepy squirrel and pink goat first? Thanks.

Poland (80-1) The shopkeepers of Klagenfurt, Austria are simply thrilled that they get to host the match between Poland and Germany. The last time these teams met in the World Cup, the fans poured out into the streets to do their best imitation of a Chicago Bulls championship riot. What could possibly go wrong?

Austria (125-1 or about the same as Eight Belles winning the Belmont Stakes) See Switzerland, then pretend they can only play with 8 men – in socks.

Group C

The ever-awesome Group Of Death. Someone please tell me there is a crappy garage band in Tulsa who stole this name for their Fri night gigs at Champ’s. This group is also known as the Group Of Flags So Mind-Numbingly Boring Because 3 Stripes Is The Best We Could Think Of Back When The Plague Was A More Pressing Issue.

Italy (7-1) The defending World Cup champions would be a higher-odds side were it not for the fact that they are in G.O.D. and the fact that their captain and key defender Cannavarro is injured with a severe case of idiot clumsy bench warmer during practice.

France (9-1) The defending World Cup runners-up are fighting some injuries too. However, they are still stacked with underappreciated talented holding defenders and midfielders. But sorry, no head-butting dude this time. Zidane retired, but he will of course always be memorialized in the Coup de Boule song (it always brings out the same emotion in me as that song at the end of Beaches...)

The Netherlands (14-1) A team with an embarrassment of riches at attacking midfield. However, the total football thing they do has never seemed to reach full potential. Personally, I think that Van Nistelrooy guy is about as overrated as Nitro was in Breakthrough and Conquer (he never learned low man wins...).

Romania (55-1) Where is your count chocula to save you now?

Group D

Spain (11-2) The #2 Vegas favorites here. These guys always are touted as ready for their breakout tournament, then disappoint. They are soooo due, man! Spain is to midfielders as the Dominican Republic is to shortstops. So expect to see a lot of control of possession from these guys. Gobs of talent all over the place, but I personally witnessed these guys come within 1 booming shot off the crossbar from allowing a draw against Saudi-Freaking-Arabia in the World Cup. So buyer beware.

Russia (26-1) Just as I know that Kerri Strug faked that ankle injury, I know that Russia bought off the refs in order to qualify for the finals. Their petro-rubles will not go as far against the likes of this group D.

Greece (33-1) Ladies and gentlemen, your defending champions of the Euro! Really. I’m not making it up. They won this thing 4 years ago, and now are graced with 33-1 odds to repeat. What is this, the 1998 Florida Marlins?

Sweden (50-1) A middling team to begin with, now their captain is hurt, their prized striker Ibrahimovic has seen a run of poor results, and they have resorted to calling back their 36 year old striker Larsson to do some “magic.” This could get all kinds of ugly. Oh, and one of the reasons they made the finals is because of this Danish dude.

Welcome to the Euro 2008 Challenge

Hello all. (Admit it, you missed the Poolmaster…)

The Euro 2008 soccer tournament starts next Saturday, which means it is our responsibility as North Americans to honor these 16 European countries by plunking down 5 bucks on a pool.

Welcome to the Euro 2008 Soccer Challenge!

The rules of this challenge are slightly less complicated than average for Poolmaster pools – you’re welcome:

The tournament: In Euro 2008, 16 countries are split in groups of 4 and play each other once each. The best 2 countries from each group form a round 2 of 8 countries playing a standard single elimination tournament to get to a winner.

The challenge: You will have 100 “chips” to place on the 16 countries in any fashion that you wish: (all on 1, a little bit everywhere, 60 here 30 there and 5 on a couple others, whatever).

The Scoring: If a country makes it to round 2, they are worth 100 points. The country that wins the tournament is worth a total of 500 points. The points a country earns will be split among the players who put chips on that country (on a prorata % basis). Highest total points wins. As usual, I will submit my picks to someone else in an email before receiving any other picks to keep my squeaky clean image intact.

The Example: You place 20 chips on France and 80 on other assorted countries. France ends up winning the tournament and your other countries all fail to make the second round. Suppose across all the players in the challenge, 115 chips were placed on France. Your final point count would be 87 points. That’s because you have 20/115 = 17.4% of all the France chips and thus you get 17.4% of the France point total of 500.

The Tiebreaker: Total # of goals scored in the tournament (there are 31 matches).

The Money stuff: $5 entry (US or CAN) winner takes all, except last place gets their money back. Please pay your local Poolmaster representative.

The Deadline: Noon EDT on Saturday June 7.

The blog: www.poolmasterblog.blogspot.com I will be using this blog for this challenge where I will post a witty and awesome preview of the 16 countries as well as the ongoing snappy analysis you come to expect in Poolmaster pools. Who knows, maybe there will be a section for your genius comments too… Check the site early and often!

As usual, please pass along this challenge to anyone else with interest. (and even those without interest!)

Resources:

Euro2008 Official Site

ESPN Coverage

Wikipedia

Good Luck!

Poolmaster