Euro 2008 Team Preview

A prelude to a championship.

Group A

Portugal (15-2 odds of winning tournament). Cristiano Ronaldo (no, not the one caught with 3 transvestite hookers, the other Ronaldo) and 10 other guys. Their tactics will be: if your name is not Cristiano, you should be looking to pass the ball to someone who is. Not exactly the most balanced team, but the way he is playing, maybe that lineup can win it all. Although that Deco guy is ok too. Ego may be an issue. Q: What’s the difference between God and Cristiano Ronaldo? A: God doesn’t think that he’s Cristiano Ronaldo.

Czech Republic (24-1) Injuries aren’t helping these guys, but they still boast arguably the best goaltender in the world (at least the best one who wears a pansy helmet). They also still have Sloth-from Goonies-like Jan Koller to cause trouble to opposing teams. After all, these guys did beat down on the U.S. in the World Cup, which puts them in the same league as powerhouse Ghana...

Switzerland (32-1) The most promising thing for these guys is that they are playing at home, which means that evolutionary forces have led to them producing more natural testosterone than their opponents... so good luck with that! To put this team in perspective, their previous team captain was approached by a English Premier League team to come play for them, but the transfer talks broke down because his transfer fee ended up appearing too high. The transfer fee in question you ask? $0.00

Turkey (70-1) I’ve got nothing for you here. I don’t even know why Constantinople got the works...

Group B

Germany (4-1) The German Mannschaft are the favorites of the tournament not necessarily because they are the most dominant team, but because the rest of this group resemble some of my Pepsi soccer teams in capabilities. (Oh, Billy Evans why did you push that penalty kick wide right against the orange team? Why? Whyyyyyyy?) In any case, the Germans will be disciplined and aggressive, and also seem to be free of the injury bug so far. As close to a lock for the 2^nd round as you will get. After that, anything goes.

Croatia (15-1) Hey Croatia, The Netherlands called. They want their flag back – but can you wipe off that creepy squirrel and pink goat first? Thanks.

Poland (80-1) The shopkeepers of Klagenfurt, Austria are simply thrilled that they get to host the match between Poland and Germany. The last time these teams met in the World Cup, the fans poured out into the streets to do their best imitation of a Chicago Bulls championship riot. What could possibly go wrong?

Austria (125-1 or about the same as Eight Belles winning the Belmont Stakes) See Switzerland, then pretend they can only play with 8 men – in socks.

Group C

The ever-awesome Group Of Death. Someone please tell me there is a crappy garage band in Tulsa who stole this name for their Fri night gigs at Champ’s. This group is also known as the Group Of Flags So Mind-Numbingly Boring Because 3 Stripes Is The Best We Could Think Of Back When The Plague Was A More Pressing Issue.

Italy (7-1) The defending World Cup champions would be a higher-odds side were it not for the fact that they are in G.O.D. and the fact that their captain and key defender Cannavarro is injured with a severe case of idiot clumsy bench warmer during practice.

France (9-1) The defending World Cup runners-up are fighting some injuries too. However, they are still stacked with underappreciated talented holding defenders and midfielders. But sorry, no head-butting dude this time. Zidane retired, but he will of course always be memorialized in the Coup de Boule song (it always brings out the same emotion in me as that song at the end of Beaches...)

The Netherlands (14-1) A team with an embarrassment of riches at attacking midfield. However, the total football thing they do has never seemed to reach full potential. Personally, I think that Van Nistelrooy guy is about as overrated as Nitro was in Breakthrough and Conquer (he never learned low man wins...).

Romania (55-1) Where is your count chocula to save you now?

Group D

Spain (11-2) The #2 Vegas favorites here. These guys always are touted as ready for their breakout tournament, then disappoint. They are soooo due, man! Spain is to midfielders as the Dominican Republic is to shortstops. So expect to see a lot of control of possession from these guys. Gobs of talent all over the place, but I personally witnessed these guys come within 1 booming shot off the crossbar from allowing a draw against Saudi-Freaking-Arabia in the World Cup. So buyer beware.

Russia (26-1) Just as I know that Kerri Strug faked that ankle injury, I know that Russia bought off the refs in order to qualify for the finals. Their petro-rubles will not go as far against the likes of this group D.

Greece (33-1) Ladies and gentlemen, your defending champions of the Euro! Really. I’m not making it up. They won this thing 4 years ago, and now are graced with 33-1 odds to repeat. What is this, the 1998 Florida Marlins?

Sweden (50-1) A middling team to begin with, now their captain is hurt, their prized striker Ibrahimovic has seen a run of poor results, and they have resorted to calling back their 36 year old striker Larsson to do some “magic.” This could get all kinds of ugly. Oh, and one of the reasons they made the finals is because of this Danish dude.