"Quite right, Madame Appletrousers, I would indeed fancy a trip to see your famous Tavern Spindles. What colour are they, grey? Shall we take your carriage or mine?"
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
World Cup Challenge Match Day 1 Update
And so it begins.
Armed with a buggy Windows Media Center computer, a bottle of baby formula, and a 2 week old left back-in-training, Poolmaster was able to watch every minute of the first 16 games in the tournament. I have lived to tell the tale, but it is a boring one. So instead let's go straight to the match day 1 awards:
Best goal: Maicon against North Korea. North Korea had been stonewalling Brazil the whole game, but this nutty angle shot made everything right in the world again. It brought back painful memories of his nutty angle shot against USA in the Confederations Cup, but that is the price I pay to ensure my #32 team stays out of round 2...
Worst goal: What the internets are now calling The Robert Green Howler. Feel free to watch it again and again in human form or in lego form. [hat tip: halfpoint]
Biggest surprise: Switzerland over Spain. This had the feel of a bracket buster type moment. Runner up: New Zealand's last-minute equalizer.
Worst big hair band name idea: Last-Minute Equalizer
Biggest letdown: tie. 1a. Diego Maradona hasn't done anything criminally insane yet. He actually looks distinguished in the beard and gray suit. It's like he walked off the set of a PBS movie called "The Tavern Spindles of Buckminstershire Abbey" or something. 1b. Announcers continue to give refs the benefit of the doubt when calling fouls that are clear dives. If I have to listen to vuvuzelas, I want a little bit of incredulity from my announcers to go with it.
Quickest dive: Daniele de Rossi of (wait for it...) Italy looked to have this in the bag with a virtual cartwheel at the 9 minute mark without being touched by his Paraguayan opponent. But then again, Cristiano Ronaldo hadn't played yet, had he? Portugal's native goober needed 6 min and 21 secs to launch himself against Cote d'Ivoire. (I think that's the right link, honestly there are 4 different youtube links of him diving at different times in this game alone...) Bonus points for drawing the yellow card!
Best name: Ok, so we don't have any Spontaneous Gordon, Spartacus Bernstein, or Dinero Fudge, but world cup names still hold their own. The first round winner is Hakan Yakan of Switzerland. The faster you say it, the cooler it is. Runner up: Surprise Moriri of South Africa - geez, his parents just laid it all out there, didn't they?
In the pool, Ukari Figgs is the clear front runner thanks to Ghana's late penalty strike. Closely behind is Dental Hygenius and his Chile/Mexican double dip. Bringing up the rear is Louis Louis who is having an Argentinian nightmare right now. One other note, I found one more entry stuck in my spam box that is in the mix. Please welcome Spammy Vinet. He strolls into 13th place. We are now 21, with first place money up to $70, second still $35.
Plenty of footy to go, so pace yourselves on the scenario permutations. Just know that USA would love to beat England on goal differential to win the group, as that sets up a round of 16 game against Ghana instead of Germany, and a round of 8 game with Uruguay instead of Argentina... (Note I haven't seen the USA-Slovenia match yet, so the previous sentence is almost certainly already hogwash.)
Enjoy the games everyone!
Poolmaster
Armed with a buggy Windows Media Center computer, a bottle of baby formula, and a 2 week old left back-in-training, Poolmaster was able to watch every minute of the first 16 games in the tournament. I have lived to tell the tale, but it is a boring one. So instead let's go straight to the match day 1 awards:
Best goal: Maicon against North Korea. North Korea had been stonewalling Brazil the whole game, but this nutty angle shot made everything right in the world again. It brought back painful memories of his nutty angle shot against USA in the Confederations Cup, but that is the price I pay to ensure my #32 team stays out of round 2...
Worst goal: What the internets are now calling The Robert Green Howler. Feel free to watch it again and again in human form or in lego form. [hat tip: halfpoint]
Biggest surprise: Switzerland over Spain. This had the feel of a bracket buster type moment. Runner up: New Zealand's last-minute equalizer.
Worst big hair band name idea: Last-Minute Equalizer
Biggest letdown: tie. 1a. Diego Maradona hasn't done anything criminally insane yet. He actually looks distinguished in the beard and gray suit. It's like he walked off the set of a PBS movie called "The Tavern Spindles of Buckminstershire Abbey" or something. 1b. Announcers continue to give refs the benefit of the doubt when calling fouls that are clear dives. If I have to listen to vuvuzelas, I want a little bit of incredulity from my announcers to go with it.
Quickest dive: Daniele de Rossi of (wait for it...) Italy looked to have this in the bag with a virtual cartwheel at the 9 minute mark without being touched by his Paraguayan opponent. But then again, Cristiano Ronaldo hadn't played yet, had he? Portugal's native goober needed 6 min and 21 secs to launch himself against Cote d'Ivoire. (I think that's the right link, honestly there are 4 different youtube links of him diving at different times in this game alone...) Bonus points for drawing the yellow card!
Best name: Ok, so we don't have any Spontaneous Gordon, Spartacus Bernstein, or Dinero Fudge, but world cup names still hold their own. The first round winner is Hakan Yakan of Switzerland. The faster you say it, the cooler it is. Runner up: Surprise Moriri of South Africa - geez, his parents just laid it all out there, didn't they?
In the pool, Ukari Figgs is the clear front runner thanks to Ghana's late penalty strike. Closely behind is Dental Hygenius and his Chile/Mexican double dip. Bringing up the rear is Louis Louis who is having an Argentinian nightmare right now. One other note, I found one more entry stuck in my spam box that is in the mix. Please welcome Spammy Vinet. He strolls into 13th place. We are now 21, with first place money up to $70, second still $35.
Plenty of footy to go, so pace yourselves on the scenario permutations. Just know that USA would love to beat England on goal differential to win the group, as that sets up a round of 16 game against Ghana instead of Germany, and a round of 8 game with Uruguay instead of Argentina... (Note I haven't seen the USA-Slovenia match yet, so the previous sentence is almost certainly already hogwash.)
Enjoy the games everyone!
Poolmaster
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Separated at birth - Spanish edition
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The North Korea bandwagon user's guide
So you watched North Korea hold off the best team in the world today for the first 55 minutes, and you surprised yourself when there was a lump of sadness in your throat after Maicon finally scored that crazy acute goal? Well here is a brief guide to aid you follow your new favorite scrappy underdog tyrannical dictatorship.
1. Patriotism. You knew we were in for a fight when NK's best player is nicknamed the "Asian Rooney" and he was breaking down crying during the national anthem. It would be easy to throw in a "there's no crying in the World Cup" joke here, but that would be a load of crap.
2. NK and the USA have one thing in common: they don't dive. If a NK player is on the ground, you can be sure he was crunched and there is probably blood. Furthermore, they don't stay on the ground pretending an injury that can only be cured with magic spray in order to buy some time to recover. They bounce right back up. Which brings me to the next point...
3. Leave it to the North Koreans to know how to follow the rules. These guys never foul intentionally, never get yellow cards, never question authority (surprise surprise), and even apologize to the refs for an offside. ***apologize to the ref***
4. Defense wins championships. For all you guys who pretend you like those 7-3 mud bowl football defensive games, these guys are for you. They pack the box and dare you to find a way in. If it takes Brazil an hour to figure it out, how long will it take mortal teams?
5. Confusing the announcers. I've never heard the phrase "what is going on here?" in a match before, but I cackled when I did.
Caveat. In the end, their country is still led by the world's biggest nutcase who starves and terrorizes his own people. Moreover the families of these players are probably part of the party elite, not innocent peasants.
So should you at least root for them over Cristiano Ronaldo next week? Hmmm...
2. NK and the USA have one thing in common: they don't dive. If a NK player is on the ground, you can be sure he was crunched and there is probably blood. Furthermore, they don't stay on the ground pretending an injury that can only be cured with magic spray in order to buy some time to recover. They bounce right back up. Which brings me to the next point...
3. Leave it to the North Koreans to know how to follow the rules. These guys never foul intentionally, never get yellow cards, never question authority (surprise surprise), and even apologize to the refs for an offside. ***apologize to the ref***
4. Defense wins championships. For all you guys who pretend you like those 7-3 mud bowl football defensive games, these guys are for you. They pack the box and dare you to find a way in. If it takes Brazil an hour to figure it out, how long will it take mortal teams?
5. Confusing the announcers. I've never heard the phrase "what is going on here?" in a match before, but I cackled when I did.
Caveat. In the end, their country is still led by the world's biggest nutcase who starves and terrorizes his own people. Moreover the families of these players are probably part of the party elite, not innocent peasants.
So should you at least root for them over Cristiano Ronaldo next week? Hmmm...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
To be a fan of Algeria - a photoessay
From the Algeria 0-1 loss to Slovenia (a country of 2 million people). Remember, the Poolmaster watches these games so that you don't have to.
1. "God/Allah/Gene Simmons, grant me the strength to use facepaint when it is of high quality, the grace to avoid facepaint when it is crap, and the wisdom to know the difference."
2. "I know the ticket scalper said upper-deck, but this is a bit ridiculous"
3. "I'm so mad we're losing, I'm going to head-butt someone!"
4. "I am the most pissed-off Algerian cowboy you've ever met"
1. "God/Allah/Gene Simmons, grant me the strength to use facepaint when it is of high quality, the grace to avoid facepaint when it is crap, and the wisdom to know the difference."
2. "I know the ticket scalper said upper-deck, but this is a bit ridiculous"
3. "I'm so mad we're losing, I'm going to head-butt someone!"
4. "I am the most pissed-off Algerian cowboy you've ever met"
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
3 Word Preview
Group A
South Africa: not enough vuvuzelas
Mexico: striker aged 37!
Uruguay: squeaked into tournament
France: handballed into tournament
Group B
Argentina: Messi overcomes Maradona
Nigeria: disorganized but strong
South Korea: far from home
Greece: worse than economy
Group C
England: nosebleed expectations again
USA: not quite yet
Algeria: Egypt a fluke
Slovenia: nil nil draws
Group D
Germany: nicht ich mannschaft
Australia: gutsy 2006 fluke?
Serbia: Montenegro no loss
Ghana: Essien hurt? ouch!
Group E
Netherlands: one million midfielders
Denmark: silly short passes
Japan: fresh minnow sushi
Cameroon: 1990 long ago
Group F
Italy: ma gic spray
Paraguay: surprising qualifying performance
New Zealand: soccer's detroit lions
Slovakia: better than Slovenia
Group G
Brazil: no introduction needed
North Korea: record breaking horrible
Cote d'Ivoire: 4 stars enough?
Portugal: 1 star enough?
Group H
Spain: clever fancy feet
Switzerland: multicultural immigration helping
Honduras: drew with Azerbaijan
Chile: hotheaded but good
Chile: hotheaded but good
Monday, June 7, 2010
Japan ready to be MMMBopped by Cameroon
France will see your Japanese N'Sync
and raise you a busted up dune buggy
Les Bleus came to play, the rest of us are just amateurs.
French fight back as inappropriate cross-training war escalates
No better way to prepare for soccer in Africa... No word yet on Italy's response: tae kwon do anyone?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Germany will lose but intend to hammer stage 19 L'alp d'Huez
For bonus points, pick which one has been named captain of the team. If you guessed the weasel on the right who is 130 pounds soaking wet, congratulations!
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