Germany v England: ending the only way it could

So you meet a friendly chatty British guy at a bar. Say you'd like to have him go bezerk and attack you with the gherkin fork? All you have to do is ask him what was the best part of the 1990 World Cup. Such is the history of Germany v England. The curse did not reverse today. And British fans were clearly the least surprised of the outcome.

Germany came out strong and maintained pressure the entire game. England had no answer for Ozil in the middle of the field. I would analyze this more, but what is there to say? It was a thumping.

This no-goal would have been a crying shame for Sneakey Peakey if the game ended 2-1. But it didn't now, did it?

Once the game is a blowout, the lenses of the cameras tend to get a nasty case of lazy eye...

Take a wild guess who's team is winning? Tip to the airmen: next time to play your mortal soccer enemy, leave the war outfit at home and bring the girlfriends instead. (Unless you have chainmail, that never gets old)

Tomorrow we have Netherlands crushing Slovakia (thanks for beating Italy and all, but here's a face-full of Dutch wingers for you!) followed by a very interesting match-up of Brazil v Chile. Brazil, who scored 5 fewer goals on North Korea than Portugal and Chile, whose younger players have all spent some quality time being tasered and dumped in the Toronto jail. Juicy indeed.

Dental Hygenius, Ukari, Hall, and Burg: good luck.

USA v Ghana: this time it's ... um ... personal?

4 years ago, the guy second from left told me "one day your friend's yet-to-be-born child will squash you like a bug - and we will be the ones to help her do it!" Granted, he seemed to be the kind of guy who always spoke cryptically and I had been drinking at the time, but it still seemed strange. Well now it all makes sense. The Poolmaster keeps up his strong tradition of not winning his own pools. Congrats to Quarterpoint and Benito who survive and advance.

All credit to Ghana - they played a tight controlling game in the first half, and the U.S. could only counter in the second by bringing on our secret weapon Austrian-Jewish-Brazilian-American named Benny. When the announcers get excited that Benny is on the field... look out. However, Ghana already had their own secret German surprise: Kevin-Prince Boateng, who scored their first goal. It looks as if Ghana used the old Khrushchev line that he said to Kennedy "our german rocket scientists are better than your german rocket scientists."*

Look! Mick Jagger was able to make it to the game! (And so did some old guy with a scarf)

Tomorrow shapes up nicely with the historically unfair round of 16 pairing of Germany and England. Also Mexico must try to contend with Argentina. Dr. Norway, Sneakey Peakey, Lisa, and the Nard Dog are on the clock.

* that quote is completely untrue. i think i either made it up or stole it from some bad action movie. my team lost, cut me some slack!

Match Day 3 standings

Commentary to follow on the blog later, but I wanted to get out the standings after the group stages before the knockout stage starts in a few hours. I know that it was at times a little difficult to remember who you were supposed to root for in the group stage. That gets much simpler from here on out. Each player has no drafted 1 country depending on the order in which you finished the group stage. Here is that order:

rank	player	score	final country
1	ukari figgs	173.1785	Brazil
2	sissy sara	183.1783	Spain
3	dental hygenius	187.1776	Netherlands
4	sneakey peakey	189.1752	England
5	lisa mccapeofgoodhope	189.1798	Argentina
6	dr. norway	192.1738	Germany
7	the hall	195.1766	Chile
8	poolmaster	196.1758	USA
9	angeli &	197.1819	Portugal
10	dig nard dog	197.1832	Mexico
11	benito	199.1823	Uruguay
12	quarterpoint	201.1834	Ghana
13	spammy vinet	203.1804	Paraguay
14	burg de brown	204.1803	Slovakia
15	halfpoint	207.1827	South Korea
16	chinda	209.1821	Japan
17	full monte	211.1862	OUT
18	flippy flyer	212.1863	OUT
19	killapascal	217.1937	OUT
20	louis louis	220.1998	OUT
21	brokeback alex	329.2462	OUT

Unfortunately, we say goodbye to our bottom 5 contenders, but Brokeback Alex can know that he went down swinging - we'll always have Pyongyang!

First up, Halfpoint vs Benito. There can be only 1!*

*who then must face 14 others...

Good Luck!
Poolmaster

Jozy Altidore sets new record

in celebration high jump

Feed the Yak

and he will miss from 5 feet away. Don't worry, it's not like a birth in the second round hung on that kick or anything...

Match Day 2 Update

Who ordered up this incomprehensible mess? We did, of course! Conventional wisdom is definitely out the window in this world cup as we have transitioned from "quirky" in match day 1 to "willy wonka's boat ride scene" in match day 2.

It's one thing for France to stumble out of the gate and gain only 1 point in the first game. But to lose the second, kick out their star forward for swearing at his lame-duck coach, and then have the rest of the team go on strike? Well, it wouldn't be summer for the French without someone being on strike I guess. My money was on the public transit union, certainly not the men's national football team...

Argentina is composed and willful, Germany is picking up red cards and losing games?

N Korea plays the role of plucky underdog in game one, then plays ole defense in allowing 7 goals the next? Our Supreme Leader just got a supreme spanking.

And then there's New Zealand, who I called in my 3 word preview the Detroit Lions of soccer. They now have more points than France and Cote d'Ivoire....

Awards:

Best goal: David Villa (#1) against Honduras. One man vs. 3 including a slide around the last man while shooting and the ball in the corner of the net. Not too shabby.

Most egregious dive: That dude from Cote d'Ivoire who ran right into Kaka and then recoiled like Lady Gaga from Laura Ashley sundresses and held his face as if he was trying to piece it back together. Granted Brazil were way ahead in the dive count at that point in the match, so the poor guy was staging a hopeless diving comeback... Runner-up: Suarez from Uruguay for his tumble after the slight toe tap from the South African goalie. A penalty kick and a red card on the goalie. Not a bad trophy haul for selling your soul.

Best re-interpretation of the rules: Luis Fabiano of Brazil, who decided that if you touch the ball twice with your hands, they cancel each other out and you can then score your goal. Jogo Bullcrapo.

Worst call: Need I even say it? Koman Coulibaly, you are a bad bad man.

As for the Challenge, the leaderboard has been upended (see attached standings). Dr. Norway is now in the lead thanks to Mexico and New Zealand. Close behind is The Hall and Sneakey Peakey both thanks to Uruguay. Louis Louis no longer needs to worry about last place as Brokeback Alex has corrected me on his picks. BBA is going with a maverick anti-logic selection - hoping for big things out of North Korea, South Africa, and Japan. Actually, it's not the worst idea ever. (That claim is still held by whoever green-lighted Ishtar.)

Enjoy the simultaneous action this week. I will keep posting scenario previews and random screen-grabs from 2:00am on the poolmaster blog.

Good Luck.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the Kiwi

We all hate to see Italy struggle in the world cup, but this was really quite something. Italy needed a patented De Rossi dive in the penalty box in order to come back to a 1-1 draw with New Zealand. Yes, the same New Zealand which is currently 78th in the world according to FIFA (look out Togo and Cyprus!). Yes, the New Zealand which is described as Australia, but with fewer criminal ancestors. Yes, the New Zealand who qualified for the world cup out of the "Jeff Probst Region" overcoming the likes of Vanuatu, Tuvalu, Cook Islands, Samoa AND American Samoa.

Jolly good show, I say.

I wonder why they call them the "All-Whites?"

Opening scene

"Quite right, Madame Appletrousers, I would indeed fancy a trip to see your famous Tavern Spindles. What colour are they, grey? Shall we take your carriage or mine?"

World Cup Challenge Match Day 1 Update

And so it begins.

Armed with a buggy Windows Media Center computer, a bottle of baby  formula, and a 2 week old left back-in-training, Poolmaster was able to watch every minute of the first 16 games in the tournament. I have lived to tell the tale, but it is a boring one. So instead let's go straight to the match day 1 awards:

Best goal: Maicon against North Korea. North Korea had been stonewalling Brazil the whole game, but this nutty angle shot made everything right in the world again. It brought back painful memories of his nutty angle shot against USA in the Confederations Cup, but that is the price I pay to ensure my #32 team stays out of round 2...

Worst goal: What the internets are now calling The Robert Green Howler. Feel free to watch it again and again in human form or in lego form. [hat tip: halfpoint]

Biggest surprise: Switzerland over Spain. This had the feel of a bracket buster type moment. Runner up: New Zealand's last-minute equalizer.

Worst big hair band name idea: Last-Minute Equalizer

Biggest letdown: tie. 1a. Diego Maradona hasn't done anything criminally insane yet. He actually looks distinguished in the beard and gray suit. It's like he walked off the set of a PBS movie called "The Tavern Spindles of Buckminstershire Abbey" or something. 1b. Announcers continue to give refs the benefit of the doubt when calling fouls that are clear dives. If I have to listen to vuvuzelas, I want a little bit of incredulity from my announcers to go with it.

Quickest dive: Daniele de Rossi of (wait for it...) Italy looked to have this in the bag with a virtual cartwheel at the 9 minute mark without being touched by his Paraguayan opponent. But then again, Cristiano Ronaldo hadn't played yet, had he? Portugal's native goober needed 6 min and 21 secs to launch himself against Cote d'Ivoire. (I think that's the right link, honestly there are 4 different youtube links of him diving at different times in this game alone...) Bonus points for drawing the yellow card!

Best name: Ok, so we don't have any Spontaneous Gordon, Spartacus Bernstein, or Dinero Fudge, but world cup names still hold their own. The first round winner is Hakan Yakan of Switzerland. The faster you say it, the cooler it is. Runner up: Surprise Moriri of South Africa - geez, his parents just laid it all out there, didn't they?

In the pool, Ukari Figgs is the clear front runner thanks to Ghana's late penalty strike. Closely behind is Dental Hygenius and his Chile/Mexican double dip. Bringing up the rear is Louis Louis who is having an Argentinian nightmare right now. One other note, I found one more entry stuck in my spam box that is in the mix. Please welcome Spammy Vinet. He strolls into 13th place. We are now 21, with first place money up to $70, second still $35.

Plenty of footy to go, so pace yourselves on the scenario permutations. Just know that USA would love to beat England on goal differential to win the group, as that sets up a round of 16 game against Ghana instead of Germany, and a round of 8 game with Uruguay instead of Argentina... (Note I haven't seen the USA-Slovenia match yet, so the previous sentence is almost certainly already hogwash.)

Enjoy the games everyone!
Poolmaster

Separated at birth - Spanish edition

In honor of the shocking defeat of the co-favorites in the World Cup, we bring you a round of "Find the stars of Apollo 13, The Big Lebowski, and True Lies."

The North Korea bandwagon user's guide

So you watched North Korea hold off the best team in the world today for the first 55 minutes, and you surprised yourself when there was a lump of sadness in your throat after Maicon finally scored that crazy acute goal? Well here is a brief guide to aid you follow your new favorite scrappy underdog tyrannical dictatorship.

1. Patriotism.   You knew we were in for a fight when NK's best player is nicknamed the "Asian Rooney" and he was breaking down crying during the national anthem. It would be easy to throw in a "there's no crying in the World Cup" joke here, but that would be a load of crap.

2. NK and the USA have one thing in common: they don't dive. If a NK player is on the ground, you can be sure he was crunched and there is probably blood. Furthermore, they don't stay on the ground pretending an injury that can only be cured with magic spray in order to buy some time to recover. They bounce right back up. Which brings me to the next point...

3. Leave it to the North Koreans to know how to follow the rules. These guys never foul intentionally, never get yellow cards, never question authority (surprise surprise), and even apologize to the refs for an offside. ***apologize to the ref***

4. Defense wins championships. For all you guys who pretend you like those 7-3 mud bowl football defensive games, these guys are for you. They pack the box and dare you to find a way in. If it takes Brazil an hour to figure it out, how long will it take mortal teams?

5. Confusing the announcers. I've never heard the phrase "what is going on here?" in a match before, but I cackled when I did.

Caveat. In the end, their country is still led by the world's biggest nutcase who starves and terrorizes his own people. Moreover the families of these players are probably part of the party elite, not innocent peasants.

So should you at least root for them over Cristiano Ronaldo next week? Hmmm...

To be a fan of Algeria - a photoessay

From the Algeria 0-1 loss to Slovenia (a country of 2 million people). Remember, the Poolmaster watches these games so that you don't have to.

1. "God/Allah/Gene Simmons, grant me the strength to use facepaint when it is of high quality, the grace to avoid facepaint when it is crap, and the wisdom to know the difference."

2. "I know the ticket scalper said upper-deck, but this is a bit ridiculous"

3. "I'm so mad we're losing, I'm going to head-butt someone!"

4. "I am the most pissed-off Algerian cowboy you've ever met"

Key Countries

3 Word Preview

Group A

South Africa: not enough vuvuzelas

Mexico: striker aged 37!

Uruguay: squeaked into tournament

France: handballed into tournament

Group B

Argentina: Messi overcomes Maradona

Nigeria: disorganized but strong

South Korea: far from home

Greece: worse than economy

Group C

England: nosebleed expectations again

USA: not quite yet

Algeria: Egypt a fluke

Slovenia: nil nil draws

Group D

Germany: nicht ich mannschaft

Australia: gutsy 2006 fluke?

Serbia: Montenegro no loss

Ghana: Essien hurt? ouch!

Group E

Netherlands: one million midfielders

Denmark: silly short passes

Japan: fresh minnow sushi

Cameroon: 1990 long ago

Group F

Italy: ma gic spray

Paraguay: surprising qualifying performance

New Zealand: soccer's detroit lions

Slovakia: better than Slovenia

Group G

Brazil: no introduction needed

North Korea: record breaking horrible

Cote d'Ivoire: 4 stars enough?

Portugal: 1 star enough?

Group H

Spain: clever fancy feet

Switzerland: multicultural immigration helping

Honduras: drew with Azerbaijan
Chile: hotheaded but good

Japan ready to be MMMBopped by Cameroon

France will see your Japanese N'Sync

and raise you a busted up dune buggy

Les Bleus came to play, the rest of us are just amateurs.

French fight back as inappropriate cross-training war escalates

No better way to prepare for soccer in Africa... No word yet on Italy's response: tae kwon do anyone?

Germany will lose but intend to hammer stage 19 L'alp d'Huez

For bonus points, pick which one has been named captain of the team. If you guessed the weasel on the right who is 130 pounds soaking wet, congratulations!